Cause I'm so, so done

Guardin' my tongue, holdin' me back

I'm livin' the way that I want

'Cause I'm so, so done 

Fighting myself, goin' through hell

I'm livin' the way that I want

--Alicia Keys and Khalid, “So Done”

Almost a month ago, I lost my job. I was working at a large and well-known public affairs firm in DC. I joined the team in December 2019 and by March 2020 we were all sent home to telecommute due to COVID-19. What that meant for me, as a fairly new employee, was that there were way fewer opportunities to build relationships--by the time I hit my 6-month mark, there were still so many people who barely knew who I was or what I was good at skill-wise. I can’t say that my time there was easy, but many of the challenges I faced were beyond my control. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

The days following my departure were some of the most difficult days I’ve had in a long time. The whole ordeal triggered a depressive episode that lasted nearly 3 weeks. I lost my appetite, cried a lot, slept a lot. But also during that time, I had an opportunity to think about what I really wanted out of my career. This is not the first time I’ve found myself unemployed, as many of you may know. This time, I wanted to get real with myself about what I need to thrive. I started seeing a career coach finally. During our first session, I took her through my work history--a work history filled with bad luck and a lot of trauma. But I also told her that I spent two years consulting on my own, and those two years were the highlight of my career. I did my best work during that time, and while things weren’t perfect, I was so damn happy.  

So, my new career coach and I agreed that I would go back to where I knew I could thrive: working for myself as an independent consultant, untethered from the stresses of navigating (often very shitty) office politics and from having to meet sometimes unrealistic expectations of other people. 

But more importantly, I gave myself an opportunity to control my destiny a little bit more. “I don’t want you to apply for another job working for someone else and ending up in another bad relationship,” my career coach said. And she was right. I didn’t want another abusive relationship with an employer. I didn’t want to shrink myself to fit into another rigid office culture again. And frankly, I didn’t want to give nearly all my time to a job while getting very little in return.

Even though I know that consulting is the better choice for me, I found myself feeling a bit sad after I made the decision to return to it. I’m just not cut out for working for someone else, I thought. Why can’t I successfully work a ‘regular job’ like a normal person? There must be something wrong with me. My therapist told me to work on reframing my situation into this: Working for other people is not for me, but I do my best work consulting and working for myself, so that’s what I’m focusing on. It is not easy to do this, especially since we live in a capitalist system that measures our value based on how useful we are to those who own the means of production. But, I’m a work in progress. I’m confident that I can start to believe my reframed reality--that I am doing the best thing for myself and my career, and that it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me. It feels good to live my life the way I want to live it, and no longer fight the inevitable. 

So far, so good. I have landed one anchor client and have an opportunity to do some business development work with another Black girl consultant. And I believe more opportunities are coming. The minute I said, “I want to be an independent consultant again,” doors started to open up. And I think there is something to that. 

I do have the capacity for a few more clients. I am a communications consultant who focuses on digital media but can also do media outreach and content development. And, I’m a writer for hire. If you or someone you know has a need for my services, you can find out more here. 

Lastly, I am still offering tarot readings, and you can book with me if it’s your jam.

I was only 13 when Erykah Badu’s debut album Baduizm came out and 16 when Jill’s first album, Who Is Jill Scott ?, was released. I was a budding poet and sometimes photographer back then. I wore headwraps, grew dreadlocks, and performed my poetry in Leimert Park, which was then a bohemian enclave in the middle of South Central Los Angeles. Jill and Erykah’s music found me when I was just trying to find my own voice, even back then. As I got grown, got my heart broken, fell in love—their music was a mainstay at every stage of my womanhood.

I left DC for good at the top of 2011 and moved back to LA after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, among other things. In those earlier it was songs like Jill Scott’s “Slowly, Surely” and Erykah’s “Out My Mind, Just In Time” that helped put myself back together again. And now that I’ve turned 36, Badu’s “Me” is my current theme song.

So of course, when it was announced that Jill Scott and Erykah Badu were slated to do a Verzuz battle on Instagram Live, there was no question that I was absolutely going to watch. Even though it was framed as a battle where one of them would “win” and one would “lose,” it was the first event int the Verzuz series that did not feel like a battle at all. Rather, it was more like the cathartic vibe session between two of my favorite artists that I didn’t know I needed.

Just like with Teddy Riley (bless his heart), there are lessons here too—both in life and when it comes to using Instagram Live for virtual events. Below are some of the takeaways:

It’s never a bad idea to check in with each other before diving into the work.

Jill and Erykah were intentional about checking in with each other before they got to the music. Erykah asked how Jill was liking Tennessee, Jill asked Erykah how things were in Texas. They complimented each other on how they looked and sounded. This may seem small, but checking in before getting down to business matters. Remembering that the people you collaborate with are human beings with basic needs is very important, especially in the time of the Rona.

If you what you want to accomplish scares you, do it scared.

Both Jill Scott and Erykah Badu played their renditions of the Roots classic “You Got Me” to start the evening off. As the story goes, Jill wrote the chorus to the song for Erykah to sing on the original recording. But on the Roots Live album, it is Jill who performs alongside the Roots during their performance of the song. This served as her debut to a larger audience. During the battle, Jill mentioned that she was very scared and nervous before she began to sing this song for the live recording. That was very surprising to hear since I believe her rendition of “You Got Me” is one of her strongest vocal performances of her career. Jil Scott did something so phenomenal, so magical with that performance, and yet she did it while scared shitless. It blew my mind.

But this is a lesson for all of us. It is okay to name our fears and confront them, but we have to be ready to take action, too. We all have something we want to do with all our heart that scares is, whether it is for our career, for our relationships, or any other aspect of our lives. Do it scared.

If things go wrong, it may be time to improvise.

Right as Erykah Badu was about to play her song “Tyrone,” her iPad’s battery died and she disappeared from the Instagram Live. Jill Scott had the same reaction that most of us had at that moment (“Oh Nooooo!”), but instead of sitting idly, she came up with a Plan B: she played Erykah’s selected song for that round on her end until Erykah returned to the IG Live feed. It was quick thinking on Jill’s part, but it made me wish that previous battles featured folks who could improvise the way Jill did. Instagram Live events are new to a lot of folks and while I have high standards, I try to extend a bit of grace when I can. Just like with any new use of technology, things can go wrong, but it doesn’t have to mess up the flow. The best thing to do is improvise and be ready to switch it up in the moment.

It doesn’t have to be a competition—even if folks want it to be.

For as long as I remember, from my early days on the Okayplayer.com message boards, folks have been trying to pit Jill and Erykah against each other. Somehow, there is this perception that there can’t never more than one dope woman artist existing and creating dope things at one time, and when there is, they automatically have to be in direct competition with each other.

The truth is, there has never been beef between Jill Scott and Erykah Badu, and they said as much. “The ‘battle’ ended up flowing more like two friends trading songs they love,” Naima Cochrane wrote in her Billboard re-cap about the battle. I couldn’t agree more. It was not the throwdown showdown it was billed as, and I don’t think I’m the only one who was glad it wasn’t.

The moral of the story here is this: it is not a requirement that you compete with your colleagues, your friends, or even your contemporaries. I’ve covered this before, but it bears repeating with this beautiful example by Jill and Erykah last weekend. There is room for everyone, there is room for every dream, and room for every innovation. It’s okay to shine while others shine right next to you. Nobody’s light gets dimmer because of it.

Storytelling matters.

There is a lot to be said about the ways that both Jill and Erykah tap into the divine when it comes to making and performing their music. Jade Perry has a great video that does a deeper dive into this when it comes to Jill Scott. She touches on how both her and Erykah played the role of a griot, a storyteller. I love hearing the stories behind some of my favorite songs because when I know the origin story, the music hits different. I’m really, really hoping that more artists share the stories about their songs and albums in future Verzuz battles.

It gets to another lesson though: knowing your “why.” Your story and your reason for wanting to achieve something, whether it is a creative project or a career goal, matters. Don’t be afraid to share that story with the world. You may find that once people know your “why,” they want to help you reach that goal in whatever way they can.

One last thing: my favorite part of this Verzuz battle was when Jill told Erykah how much it meant to write the hook to “You Got Me” for Erykah to sing. “You didn’t have to give an emerging artist a shot,” Jill said. And Erykah replied, “I DID have to.”

That moment damn near brought me to tears. Erykah felt she had a responsibility to make room for an up-and-coming artist and give her a chance to use her talent. Even though Erykah was singing the song, she made it about giving Jill a platform she didn’t have before.

I hope we all can seize the opportunity to reach back and lift someone else up as we climb our way to the top.