True Life: I’m Working for Myself Again
Cause I'm so, so done
Guardin' my tongue, holdin' me back
I'm livin' the way that I want
'Cause I'm so, so done
Fighting myself, goin' through hell
I'm livin' the way that I want
--Alicia Keys and Khalid, “So Done”
Almost a month ago, I lost my job. I was working at a large and well-known public affairs firm in DC. I joined the team in December 2019 and by March 2020 we were all sent home to telecommute due to COVID-19. What that meant for me, as a fairly new employee, was that there were way fewer opportunities to build relationships--by the time I hit my 6-month mark, there were still so many people who barely knew who I was or what I was good at skill-wise. I can’t say that my time there was easy, but many of the challenges I faced were beyond my control. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.
The days following my departure were some of the most difficult days I’ve had in a long time. The whole ordeal triggered a depressive episode that lasted nearly 3 weeks. I lost my appetite, cried a lot, slept a lot. But also during that time, I had an opportunity to think about what I really wanted out of my career. This is not the first time I’ve found myself unemployed, as many of you may know. This time, I wanted to get real with myself about what I need to thrive. I started seeing a career coach finally. During our first session, I took her through my work history--a work history filled with bad luck and a lot of trauma. But I also told her that I spent two years consulting on my own, and those two years were the highlight of my career. I did my best work during that time, and while things weren’t perfect, I was so damn happy.
So, my new career coach and I agreed that I would go back to where I knew I could thrive: working for myself as an independent consultant, untethered from the stresses of navigating (often very shitty) office politics and from having to meet sometimes unrealistic expectations of other people.
But more importantly, I gave myself an opportunity to control my destiny a little bit more. “I don’t want you to apply for another job working for someone else and ending up in another bad relationship,” my career coach said. And she was right. I didn’t want another abusive relationship with an employer. I didn’t want to shrink myself to fit into another rigid office culture again. And frankly, I didn’t want to give nearly all my time to a job while getting very little in return.
Even though I know that consulting is the better choice for me, I found myself feeling a bit sad after I made the decision to return to it. I’m just not cut out for working for someone else, I thought. Why can’t I successfully work a ‘regular job’ like a normal person? There must be something wrong with me. My therapist told me to work on reframing my situation into this: Working for other people is not for me, but I do my best work consulting and working for myself, so that’s what I’m focusing on. It is not easy to do this, especially since we live in a capitalist system that measures our value based on how useful we are to those who own the means of production. But, I’m a work in progress. I’m confident that I can start to believe my reframed reality--that I am doing the best thing for myself and my career, and that it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me. It feels good to live my life the way I want to live it, and no longer fight the inevitable.
So far, so good. I have landed one anchor client and have an opportunity to do some business development work with another Black girl consultant. And I believe more opportunities are coming. The minute I said, “I want to be an independent consultant again,” doors started to open up. And I think there is something to that.
I do have the capacity for a few more clients. I am a communications consultant who focuses on digital media but can also do media outreach and content development. And, I’m a writer for hire. If you or someone you know has a need for my services, you can find out more here.
Lastly, I am still offering tarot readings, and you can book with me if it’s your jam.