This has been quite a year. I started a job, got laid off from said job, started a NEW one,  traveled to New Orleans, Austin, and Philadelphia. I wore a flower crown on a beach. I published a book.

But most of all, I learned a few lessons along the way. I think a lot about who I was ten years ago - a girl with a lot of potential, but a lot of sadness. I was in an abusive relationship and was struggling with anxiety and depression - and didn't even know it. Ten year's later, I'm damn near a completely different person than I was a decade ago. I'm healthy, I'm in a loving marriage, and therapy has helped me to thrive professionally and personally.

Still, I had things I needed to learn this year, and I wanted to share a few things and a few stories from this year with you:

I deserve friends who root for both me and my marriage.

I had to break up with a close friend this year, a friend I knew for over a decade because they made it clear they weren't supportive of my marriage. They said some hurtful things about my husband, and even though it took longer than it "should", I decided to end the friendship. The hard truth is, if they aren't rooting for your love, they aren't actually rooting for you either (unless there is physical abuse or other forms of violence). 

If they can't do that, they ain't gang. Periodt. 

Will I rekindle the friendship in the years to come? I don't know. But for now, I know it wasn't good for me to be friends with someone who felt that way about My Person. And that's okay because I deserve better than that.

Trust myself. And then, trust the process. 

In January, I started a really amazing job. In October, I had to leave that job due to budget cuts.  I was disappointed, sad, angry. I didn't want to leave my amazing job working with an amazing Black woman. I liked my clients there, and they liked me. But I had to trust that this was part of the plan, and I had to trust that God and the Ancestors had me. I also had to trust that I could handle this bump in the road. 

I also had to trust the process. I pounded the pavement, going on as many as 6 interviews a week. I was exhausted at times - so tired that I barely left the house on the weekends. Hell, I barely left the couch because I'd be napping most afternoons. I had my time wasted more than once or twice during my job hunt. But in the end, I found a new opportunity in just over 6 weeks. 

I practice tarot card reading as part of my new moon ritual. This summer I kept getting the same cards and the same message. Trust yourself. Be patient. Little did I know that it was advice for things to come that fall. I'm glad I listened. 

Fun and enjoyment are valuable and essential. They are a requirement in my friendships.

There are a few social circles I made the decision to distance myself from simply because, well, they weren't fun anymore. The minute it felt more like homework and less like something to bring me joy, I knew it was time to let go of some things. 

This is actually pretty recent. I was driving in my car and thought out loud, "I don't wanna go to [redacted] anymore." And what shocked me was...I legit meant that shit. I said it with my whole chest. 

I turned the corner, parked my car, then checked my phone. My group text homies were in the middle of suggesting a monthly movie night or other get together with each other every month. I realized then that saying no to one thing meant giving something else an enthusiastic yes. 

There's always another opportunity to reach my career goals.

When I left my last job, I was so disappointed for many reasons, one big reason being that I hadn't even really had enough time to reach the goals I set out to reach at the beginning of 2019. But that didn't mean those dreams were taken away from me. All it meant is that I'd have another chance somewhere else to show off my skills, learn new ones, and secure the bag. My dreams are still mine, no matter where I go.

Lastly, I leave you with a picture of a postcard I received from an anonymous person who has sent me encouraging words in the mail for the last two years. In it, they wrote the following: "Every season is an opportunity to learn something new about yourself." I couldn't agree more.

I haven’t worked for free since Obama was President the first time. The more I own that my work has value, the less likely I am to accept doing anything I do professionally without getting paid. I stand firm in my convictions and refuse to settle for getting paid in exposure, because exposure won’t pay my student loans on time every month. Once I stopped agreeing to work for free, people who were more than willing to pay started to appear in my life more regularly.

Admittedly, this can be very hard to stick to, especially when people you really want to help request that you work for no pay. Just a few weeks ago, I was asked to draft and execute a social media strategy on a volunteer basis. It was for an event I really love and a cause I believe in, but I politely declined. I thought I would feel that tinge of guilt I often feel when I tell somebody “no". I even waited for it to come, but it never did.

I felt empowered enough and proud of myself enough for not falling for the scarcity mindset that makes many of us say yes to just about every opportunity, because who knows when the next one will come.

When I shared the above tweet, many folks asked what I say when I want to tell someone I don’t work for free, so I am sharing a few tips below:

1. If necessary, confirm that they are unwilling or unable to pay you for the service they are requesting.

This step can happen if you aren’t quite clear that it is an unpaid opportunity. Ask them directly if this is a volunteer or pro bono project. The goal is to make them say they can’t or won’t pay you. That can drive what your next move will be, and what boundaries you will need to set with them.

2. Summarize your level of experience and gently remind them that it is customary to be paid for your work.

You can say something like: “I have X years in my field, and have worked for company ABC doing [insert thing they want for free].” Believe it or not, it sometimes doesn’t even occur to the person asking you to work for free that it is a service that one should get paid for, as many people underestimate the value of our work. Don’t be afraid to gently push back on that mindset. Let them know that you are uncomfortable with and avoid giving away your professional talents and skills for no pay. Remember, do not back down, no matter how nicely they ask you to work without pay. Your skills are worth the financial investment.

3. If you’d like to, leave the door open for a good bartering arrangement.

This is totally optional - but I personally enjoy a good barter. Case in point: I helped a friend with some social media/personal branding for their business. i was about to get married and she was a budding fashion stylist in New York City. I needed someone to help style me for my wedding, so we bartered services - I helped her talk through her social media strategy, and she helped me pick a gown and accessories, and even helped pick the dress my bridesmaids wore. It was a win-win situation that was mutually beneficial for both of us, so in this case bartering wasn’t a bad alternative. Usually leaving that door open sounds something like this: “If you can give me more specifics about what you will need, I may be able to figure out a way to help you that is mutually beneficial for both of us.” You can also straight up ask if they are interested in bartering, but this is dependent on having knowledge about what services or resources they could provide.

After that, it is up to them how to proceed. This approach may not work for everyone, but the most important thing is that you do not, under any circumstances, settle for being paid in exposure. You work and your skills have value, and they are worth the investment.

This will be the beginning of a series about getting paid for your work. Next up, I’ll talk about the few instances where pro bono work could be useful, and when to accept it.